"Everyone knows there are only two kinds of men who feel the need to drive fast: professional racers and the poorly endowed."

"What sort of half-arsed half-measure is that? Cold logic dictates that the only way to turn capital punishment into an effective deterrent is to make each killing as drawn-out and public as possible. Maximum agony, maximum publicity. Anything less is a cop-out – and death penalty supporters should have the stones to say so. Stop this placatory talk about breaking people's necks gently with rope. Go the whole hog."

"Well, it's not the end of the world, Chester."

"At the time of writing, if you type "Lady Gaga" into Google, the top result is the Mail's "see-through dress" story, full of smutty pictures. Must they fling this filth at impressionable young kids? Won't somebody at the Mail please, for once, just think of the children?" -yep, always a paragon of virtue is the Daily Mail! ;)

"Athletes earn astronomical sums because that's how society has chosen to reward them. It's wonky and demented, and I don't understand it, but that's the way it is. Corporations, the media and the public have somehow conspired to create that environment. They designed, dug and filled the ornamental fishpond: now they complain when the goldfish shit in the water."

"Apparently corpsy (that’s my new name for him) was homeless *GASP* for some time which is nothing less than shocking considering
A) the employment rate in Montreal is so freaking fantastic and
B) Who in God’s name wouldn’t give a job to a dude with rot-face permanently etched into his visage?"

-- " ..but the United States-and history-do not look favorably upon tyrants who murder their own people, unless they do it in Bahrain and Yemen and kill them in acceptably low numbers........"

-"he makes Mulroney a buffoonish yet tragic figure" -always thought Mulroney was a buffoon - buffoons with power have always scared me!!

"And in the aftermath of CUBE DX-9's inevitable election to the highest office in the land, political leaders worldwide would be clamouring for an inscrutable impersonal shell of their own. Before long there'd be a Chilean mayor who rolls around inside a gigantic onyx egg, and a German chancellor who consists of nothing but a runic symbol flickering on a monitor accompanied by a vaguely menacing drone.
And we'll all feel much better about our elected masters. Yes we will. Stop lying. We will."

"I'm not entirely certain I can pinpoint the moment I first realised EastEnders isn't a documentary. Maybe it was when Den Watts was assassinated by a bunch of daffodils. Or when he came back from the dead and then got killed again."

"Charlie Brooker has scoured through a whole year's worth of cultural detritus to test your knowledge of what was really important during the last 12 months."

"So 2010 has slithered past, leaving a gooey trail of memories in its wake. As befits the opening page of a new decade, it was a year with a markedly transitional feel. A tainted old era full of Gordon Brown and Big Brother came to an end, paving the way for a fresh haul of new, improved bullshit."

-Joyeux Noel to all!!

"How can you keep a straight face while describing the raw panic that gripped our fair town to someone from, say, Calgary, where last weekend they sold out an outdoor football game in minus-25 weather? Or Edmonton, which had the (unconfirmed) distinction of being the second coldest place on the planet, after the South Pole?"

"Maybe all your future dreams will simply consist of a gigantic mouth shouting the words "DIET COKE" over and over until you wake up in tears, and immediately reach for a Diet Coke, hands quivering, without really understanding why.
In fact, yes. That's PRECISELY what's going to happen."

"Next week: Clegg defends his decision to force the Chilean miners back underground, claims 2 Unlimited were better than the Beatles, and explains why the coalition's proposed oxygen-rationing scheme will usher in an age of peace and prosperity for all."

"Perhaps before too long, you'll be midway through an especially underwhelming paragraph, and it'll start deleting itself before your very eyes, just like this one should have. Or your favourite character will die or reappear under an assumed name and have sex with themselves. Any notion of permanence will be a thing of the past. Even the individual letters will crawl around while you look at them, like agitated ants."

"Everyone loves a full English breakfast, but the traditional greasy spoon has an image problem. I propose a chain of health-conscious caffs where the eggs are free-range, the tea and coffee are Fairtrade, and the sausages and bacon are cooked on George Foreman grills, right there at the table.
Oh, and the meat in the sausages and bacon comes from the customers themselves. Your first cup of tea contains a local anaesthetic; while you read your paper, simply slice a thin rasher of thigh off your leg and pop it on the grill. Two rashers if you want to lose weight. It's the ultimate in locally sourced produce: 100% organic, extremely environmentally friendly, and, if taken up by large numbers of people, it will go some way to solving the global food crisis."

"Stupid people! Thinking of setting up a Facebook group dedicated to an inflammatory cause? Why not simply scream your views into an empty breadbin instead? All the cathartic release, none of the lingering opprobrium."

"According to some reports, it can appear to lose reception under exceptional circumstances, such as a nuclear winter, or someone holding it. Apple zealots were quick to point out that you can get around the problem entirely by placing the device on a velvet cushion and gazing at it and breathing through your nose and masturbating instead of making any calls."

"When your skin is the only thing you feel truly proud of, it's become a prison in itself. A cell of cells. Whatever the colour."

-of course we are! ;)

""The following takes place between now and never o' clock." Come on. It's got a ring to it." - ;)

"Glenn Beck's antics have always proved to be great fodder for the "Daily Show." Lewis Black took it a step further with an entire segment mocking the Fox News host for his tendency to make everything Nazi-related."

"WASHINGTON—The U.S. Environmental Protection Agency called a press conference Monday to publicly denounce the environment for blatantly refusing to pull its weight in mankind's ongoing efforts at ecological conservation."

"The USB hub designed to make you think of Jesus" -;)

"WASHINGTON—Citing a series of fatal malfunctions dating back to 1777, flag manufacturer Annin & Company announced Monday that it would be recalling all makes and models of its popular American flag from both foreign and domestic markets."

"his being Easter Monday, what better way to celebrate than a column devoted to describing the flavour of assorted novelty snacks? It's what Christ himself would've wanted. Although I suspect even the messiah himself might prefer crucifixion to the horror of tasting Walkers BBQ kangaroo crisps."

-long live Colbert!!
-too bad he can't do the shows live!

"When George Bernard Shaw was a music critic, he dined one evening at a restaurant with a mediocre orchestra.Recognizing Shaw, the leader sent him a note asking what he would like them to play next.Shaw replied, “Dominoes.”-;)

=sept.30th,2009 is the 4th anniversary of the "muhammed-cartoons" hence "blasphemy day"

-r.crumb does the bible

-episode 2 has a blood-sucking mosquito portraying a litigious lawyer. seems about right! ;)

"NEW YORK—Thanks to his vaunted grace and tremendous skill, Yankees captain Derek Jeter was able Tuesday night to make a pop-up to shortstop look as routine as it actually was. "Look at him effortlessly settle under that ball and close his glove around it as it falls slowly in," gushed Yankees radio announcer John Sterling, who also had the privilege of broadcasting Jeter's catch of a soft humpback liner in 2002. Teammate Robinson Cano added that "watching him day in and day out, it's easy to lose sight of the fact that everyone makes that kind of play all the time… It's a joy just watching him glide up the middle, catch the ball on a stolen base attempt, and lay down the tag as if he's done it a million times before, which he has. What a teammate." Later in the inning, Jeter made an easy play look difficult with that jump-throw thing he doesn't need to do."

"OBAMA PHOTOGRAPHED WITH NOTORIOUS SEAL BUTCHER"-;)

"So in Canada they have this thing called the "Governor General," which is some sort of viceroy or something appointed by the Queen of England, and her name is Michaelle Jean. Yesterday, Jean kicked off a tour of Canada's Arctic region by gutting a seal and eating its heart raw."