-Effin facebook!

-"Aquarium staff were baffled when the 8.8lb giant gourami called Gary rejected normal food after being donated to them.Then the previous owners of the exotic Asian freshwater fish admitted feeding it only with the chocolate-covered wafers. "

"Well, it's not the end of the world, Chester."

"Me: “I just don’t think ‘The Weed Fanatics” is a good name for the business.”
Client: “What do you mean? It’s to-the-point. And it makes us sound like we’re really intense about gardening and weed removal.”
Me: “I just think some people might…”
Client: “What?”
Me: “Some people might think you’re talking about Marijuana.”
Client: “Only the potheads. Every good citizen knows that when I say I’m crazy about weeds, I mean business.”

"Apparently corpsy (that’s my new name for him) was homeless *GASP* for some time which is nothing less than shocking considering
A) the employment rate in Montreal is so freaking fantastic and
B) Who in God’s name wouldn’t give a job to a dude with rot-face permanently etched into his visage?"

"And in the aftermath of CUBE DX-9's inevitable election to the highest office in the land, political leaders worldwide would be clamouring for an inscrutable impersonal shell of their own. Before long there'd be a Chilean mayor who rolls around inside a gigantic onyx egg, and a German chancellor who consists of nothing but a runic symbol flickering on a monitor accompanied by a vaguely menacing drone.
And we'll all feel much better about our elected masters. Yes we will. Stop lying. We will."

"I'm not entirely certain I can pinpoint the moment I first realised EastEnders isn't a documentary. Maybe it was when Den Watts was assassinated by a bunch of daffodils. Or when he came back from the dead and then got killed again."

"So 2010 has slithered past, leaving a gooey trail of memories in its wake. As befits the opening page of a new decade, it was a year with a markedly transitional feel. A tainted old era full of Gordon Brown and Big Brother came to an end, paving the way for a fresh haul of new, improved bullshit."

-Joyeux Noel to all!!

"How can you keep a straight face while describing the raw panic that gripped our fair town to someone from, say, Calgary, where last weekend they sold out an outdoor football game in minus-25 weather? Or Edmonton, which had the (unconfirmed) distinction of being the second coldest place on the planet, after the South Pole?"

A little girl asked George Ade, “Does M-I-R-A-G-E spell marriage?”

He said, “Yes.”

"nullibiety n. the state of being nowhere" -been there! ;)

"Maybe all your future dreams will simply consist of a gigantic mouth shouting the words "DIET COKE" over and over until you wake up in tears, and immediately reach for a Diet Coke, hands quivering, without really understanding why.
In fact, yes. That's PRECISELY what's going to happen."

"Next week: Clegg defends his decision to force the Chilean miners back underground, claims 2 Unlimited were better than the Beatles, and explains why the coalition's proposed oxygen-rationing scheme will usher in an age of peace and prosperity for all."

"Perhaps before too long, you'll be midway through an especially underwhelming paragraph, and it'll start deleting itself before your very eyes, just like this one should have. Or your favourite character will die or reappear under an assumed name and have sex with themselves. Any notion of permanence will be a thing of the past. Even the individual letters will crawl around while you look at them, like agitated ants."

-and why not?-lots of, "illiterate clowns", get elected all over north america!

"Everyone loves a full English breakfast, but the traditional greasy spoon has an image problem. I propose a chain of health-conscious caffs where the eggs are free-range, the tea and coffee are Fairtrade, and the sausages and bacon are cooked on George Foreman grills, right there at the table.
Oh, and the meat in the sausages and bacon comes from the customers themselves. Your first cup of tea contains a local anaesthetic; while you read your paper, simply slice a thin rasher of thigh off your leg and pop it on the grill. Two rashers if you want to lose weight. It's the ultimate in locally sourced produce: 100% organic, extremely environmentally friendly, and, if taken up by large numbers of people, it will go some way to solving the global food crisis."

"Trash Can Source, a division of Highland Products Group, announced today its offer of a $177 billion bailout package to the federal government to provide commercial trash cans at two-year, 0% financing in order to aid in the cleanup of excessive government waste." -;)

-thanks Chris!

"According to some reports, it can appear to lose reception under exceptional circumstances, such as a nuclear winter, or someone holding it. Apple zealots were quick to point out that you can get around the problem entirely by placing the device on a velvet cushion and gazing at it and breathing through your nose and masturbating instead of making any calls."

"With little actual definitive data, one strong consensus is that Chinese pine nuts are leading culprits in causing pine mouth. Really? This is what we have to worry about now? That the Chinese are coming for our palates? All weekend long, I'll be burdened to know that there's a shitty Red Dawn remake going on in my mouth."-;)

-of course we are! ;)

""The following takes place between now and never o' clock." Come on. It's got a ring to it." - ;)

"Inevitably, when you're at your most frazzled, the town you've chosen to stop in will be holding a UFO convention or a bizarre asparagus-worshipping parade or something, and all hospitable rooms will be taken, forcing you to spend the night in a cheap and sinister motel room."

"Glenn Beck's antics have always proved to be great fodder for the "Daily Show." Lewis Black took it a step further with an entire segment mocking the Fox News host for his tendency to make everything Nazi-related."

"Coping with the terror of live television requires nerves of steel ... and a bladder of iron"

"The USB hub designed to make you think of Jesus" -;)

Esaw Wood sawed wood.

Esaw Wood would saw wood!

All the wood Esaw Wood saw Esaw Wood would saw. In other words, all the wood Esaw saw to saw Esaw sought to saw.

Oh, the wood Wood would saw! And oh, the wood-saw with which Wood would saw wood.

But one day Wood’s wood-saw would saw no wood, and thus the wood Wood sawed was not the wood Wood would saw if Wood’s wood-saw would saw wood.

Now, Wood would saw wood with a wood-saw that would saw wood, so Esaw sought a saw that would saw wood.

One day Esaw saw a saw saw wood as no other wood-saw Wood saw would saw wood.

In fact, of all the wood-saws Wood ever saw saw wood Wood never saw a wood-saw that would saw wood as the wood-saw Wood saw saw wood would saw wood, and I never saw a wood-saw that would saw as the wood-saw Wood saw would saw until I saw Esaw Wood saw wood with the wood-saw Wood saw saw wood.

Now Wood saws wood with the wood-saw Wood saw saw wood.

Oh, the wood the wood-saw Wood saw would saw!

Oh, the wood Wood’s woodshed would shed when Wood would saw wood with the wood-saw Wood saw saw wood!

Finally, no man may ever know how much wood the wood-saw Wood saw would saw, if the wood-saw Wood saw would saw all the wood the wood-saw Wood saw would saw.

– W.E. Southwick

Anthologist Carolyn Wells writes, “Well, you don’t have to read it.”

"WASHINGTON—Citing a series of fatal malfunctions dating back to 1777, flag manufacturer Annin & Company announced Monday that it would be recalling all makes and models of its popular American flag from both foreign and domestic markets."

- "In 1867, the finance department of the city of Madrid employed a man named Don Juan Nepomuceno de Burionagonatotorecagageazcoecha.
If he had moved to northern Bohemia and become “deputy-president of the Food-Rationing-Winding-Up-Commission,” his job title would have been Lebensmittelzuschlusseinstellungskomissionsvorsitzenderstellvertreter.
In a perfect world he would then moonlight as a Gesundheitswiederherstellungsmittelzusammenmischungsverhältniskundiger, Bismarck’s term for an apothecary.
In his library he would keep the Antipericatametanaparbeugedamphicribrationes Toordicantium, mentioned by Rabelais in Gargantua and Pantagruel, and Thomas Love Peacock’s Headlong Hall, in which the phrenologist Mr. Cranium describes anatomical structures as osseocarnisanguineoviscericartilaginonervomedullary and osteosarchaematosplanchnochondroneuromuelous.
And he would vacation in Bristol, whose spa waters were described by the English medical writer Edward Strother (1675-1737) as aequeosalinocalcalinoceraceoaluminosocupreovitriolic.

Or perhaps he should just stay in Madrid." ;)

"his being Easter Monday, what better way to celebrate than a column devoted to describing the flavour of assorted novelty snacks? It's what Christ himself would've wanted. Although I suspect even the messiah himself might prefer crucifixion to the horror of tasting Walkers BBQ kangaroo crisps."

"In its purest form, a newspaper consists of a collection of facts which, in controlled circumstances, can actively improve knowledge. Unfortunately, facts are expensive, so to save costs and drive up sales, unscrupulous dealers often "cut" the basic contents with cheaper material, such as wild opinion, bullshit, empty hysteria, reheated press releases, advertorial padding and photographs of Lady Gaga with her bum hanging out" -Charlie Brooker on newspapers as a dangerous drug.

"Time is the strangest substance known to man. You can't see, touch, hear, smell, taste or avoid it. Time makes you stronger-minded but weaker-bodied, gradually transforming you from blushing grape to ornery, grouching raisin. Time is the most precious thing you have, yet you're happiest when you're wasting it. Time will outlive you, your offspring, your offspring's robots and your offspring's robots' springs. It will outlive the wind and the rocks, the sun and the moon, Florence and the Machine. Time, in short, is King of Things."-Charlie Brooker

"On being introduced to Margot Asquith, Jean Harlow mispronounced her name Margut.
“My dear, the t is silent,” said Asquith, “as in Harlow.”-;)

"These days it's commonplace to do everything online, from designing the layout of your kitchen to locating a stranger prepared to kill and eat you for mutual sexual gratification. Tasks that would have taken years to organise and achieve can now be accomplished in the blink of an icon. Or would be, if you could remember your password. But you can't remember your password. You can't remember it ­because you chose it so very long, long ago – maybe three days afore. In the intervening period you've had to dream up another six passwords for another six websites, programs or email addresses."

-thanks Chris!

"When George Bernard Shaw was a music critic, he dined one evening at a restaurant with a mediocre orchestra.Recognizing Shaw, the leader sent him a note asking what he would like them to play next.Shaw replied, “Dominoes.”-;)

"free warm croissants on buses"-what a grand idea!

Farks top 20 of 2009

-K-so i had just inhaled some hash my brother made and had one,well, two southern comforts and hit the fridge for yogourt and mixed in some granola,(need to escape the sixties!), sat down, took a spoonful, checked the, "queue", and cleaned up the screen and keyboard and table for awhile. Thanks Chris!!;)

-thanks X

"There was no snow in the forecast."-LOL!

"Australian wallabies are eating opium poppies and creating crop circles as they hop around "as high as a kite", a government official has said."-the comments are as fun as the story, if not more so!

"There's a fly ball deep to centre field. Winfield is going back, back. He hits his head against the wall. It's rolling back toward second base. This is a terrible thing for the Padres."-;)

thanks Chris!

-nice one X!

"Dis yah? No man, yuh coulda neva ah carry salt-fish head fi mi look pan! Yuh wah bring crosses dung pan me?" she yelped at first glance. She took a few steps back.

"Mr Geoffrey Deene of Fashion Wire Daily, I still think you'd look sodding STUPID if you wore this anywhere:"

"Humean: 'Imagine you and me, baby, in constant conjunction.'"

-real life "slapstick' comedy caught on film