"Call me old-fashioned, but I think news should look like news, and hobbits should look like hobbits – and never the twain shall meet."

"The tabloids used to be adept at whipping the public into an infuriated frenzy: now we do it to ourselves. The results can be startling. An outbreak of Twitter rage helped finish off the News of the World as users bombarded advertisers to demand they take a stand. Many would view that as positive (and fitting, given the paper’s history of playing to the mob). "

"Everyone knows there are only two kinds of men who feel the need to drive fast: professional racers and the poorly endowed."

"What sort of half-arsed half-measure is that? Cold logic dictates that the only way to turn capital punishment into an effective deterrent is to make each killing as drawn-out and public as possible. Maximum agony, maximum publicity. Anything less is a cop-out – and death penalty supporters should have the stones to say so. Stop this placatory talk about breaking people's necks gently with rope. Go the whole hog."

"The news coverage of the Norway mass-killings was fact-free conjectureLet's be absolutely clear, it wasn't experts speculating, it was guessers guessing – and they were terrible"

"At the time of writing, if you type "Lady Gaga" into Google, the top result is the Mail's "see-through dress" story, full of smutty pictures. Must they fling this filth at impressionable young kids? Won't somebody at the Mail please, for once, just think of the children?" -yep, always a paragon of virtue is the Daily Mail! ;)

"Athletes earn astronomical sums because that's how society has chosen to reward them. It's wonky and demented, and I don't understand it, but that's the way it is. Corporations, the media and the public have somehow conspired to create that environment. They designed, dug and filled the ornamental fishpond: now they complain when the goldfish shit in the water."

-"they've created a sort of self-perpetuating stupidity whirlpool capable of engulfing any loose molecules of logic within a six-mile radius."

"And in the aftermath of CUBE DX-9's inevitable election to the highest office in the land, political leaders worldwide would be clamouring for an inscrutable impersonal shell of their own. Before long there'd be a Chilean mayor who rolls around inside a gigantic onyx egg, and a German chancellor who consists of nothing but a runic symbol flickering on a monitor accompanied by a vaguely menacing drone.
And we'll all feel much better about our elected masters. Yes we will. Stop lying. We will."

"Phone-hacking. Hidden mics. Heavily publicised show trials for citizens holding private conversations. This is beyond snooping in the public interest. This is the world of the Stasi. And rather than protecting us, reporters are sitting there in headphones, making notes."

"I'm not entirely certain I can pinpoint the moment I first realised EastEnders isn't a documentary. Maybe it was when Den Watts was assassinated by a bunch of daffodils. Or when he came back from the dead and then got killed again."

"Charlie Brooker has scoured through a whole year's worth of cultural detritus to test your knowledge of what was really important during the last 12 months."

"So 2010 has slithered past, leaving a gooey trail of memories in its wake. As befits the opening page of a new decade, it was a year with a markedly transitional feel. A tainted old era full of Gordon Brown and Big Brother came to an end, paving the way for a fresh haul of new, improved bullshit."

"Have you experienced 3D telly yet? Don't worry if you haven't, because so far it's powerfully underwhelming: the very definition of a step backward disguised as a leap forward. Consider this a warning from the future."

"Maybe all your future dreams will simply consist of a gigantic mouth shouting the words "DIET COKE" over and over until you wake up in tears, and immediately reach for a Diet Coke, hands quivering, without really understanding why.
In fact, yes. That's PRECISELY what's going to happen."

"Next week: Clegg defends his decision to force the Chilean miners back underground, claims 2 Unlimited were better than the Beatles, and explains why the coalition's proposed oxygen-rationing scheme will usher in an age of peace and prosperity for all."

"Perhaps before too long, you'll be midway through an especially underwhelming paragraph, and it'll start deleting itself before your very eyes, just like this one should have. Or your favourite character will die or reappear under an assumed name and have sex with themselves. Any notion of permanence will be a thing of the past. Even the individual letters will crawl around while you look at them, like agitated ants."

"Everyone loves a full English breakfast, but the traditional greasy spoon has an image problem. I propose a chain of health-conscious caffs where the eggs are free-range, the tea and coffee are Fairtrade, and the sausages and bacon are cooked on George Foreman grills, right there at the table.
Oh, and the meat in the sausages and bacon comes from the customers themselves. Your first cup of tea contains a local anaesthetic; while you read your paper, simply slice a thin rasher of thigh off your leg and pop it on the grill. Two rashers if you want to lose weight. It's the ultimate in locally sourced produce: 100% organic, extremely environmentally friendly, and, if taken up by large numbers of people, it will go some way to solving the global food crisis."

"Stupid people! Thinking of setting up a Facebook group dedicated to an inflammatory cause? Why not simply scream your views into an empty breadbin instead? All the cathartic release, none of the lingering opprobrium."

"According to some reports, it can appear to lose reception under exceptional circumstances, such as a nuclear winter, or someone holding it. Apple zealots were quick to point out that you can get around the problem entirely by placing the device on a velvet cushion and gazing at it and breathing through your nose and masturbating instead of making any calls."

"When your skin is the only thing you feel truly proud of, it's become a prison in itself. A cell of cells. Whatever the colour."

""The following takes place between now and never o' clock." Come on. It's got a ring to it." - ;)

"Inevitably, when you're at your most frazzled, the town you've chosen to stop in will be holding a UFO convention or a bizarre asparagus-worshipping parade or something, and all hospitable rooms will be taken, forcing you to spend the night in a cheap and sinister motel room."

"Coping with the terror of live television requires nerves of steel ... and a bladder of iron"

"BBC debate was a cross between Songs of Praise and Over the Rainbow
I half expected the loser to hand his shoes to Dimbleby at the end before jetting off into the sky"

"his being Easter Monday, what better way to celebrate than a column devoted to describing the flavour of assorted novelty snacks? It's what Christ himself would've wanted. Although I suspect even the messiah himself might prefer crucifixion to the horror of tasting Walkers BBQ kangaroo crisps."

"In its purest form, a newspaper consists of a collection of facts which, in controlled circumstances, can actively improve knowledge. Unfortunately, facts are expensive, so to save costs and drive up sales, unscrupulous dealers often "cut" the basic contents with cheaper material, such as wild opinion, bullshit, empty hysteria, reheated press releases, advertorial padding and photographs of Lady Gaga with her bum hanging out" -Charlie Brooker on newspapers as a dangerous drug.

"Time is the strangest substance known to man. You can't see, touch, hear, smell, taste or avoid it. Time makes you stronger-minded but weaker-bodied, gradually transforming you from blushing grape to ornery, grouching raisin. Time is the most precious thing you have, yet you're happiest when you're wasting it. Time will outlive you, your offspring, your offspring's robots and your offspring's robots' springs. It will outlive the wind and the rocks, the sun and the moon, Florence and the Machine. Time, in short, is King of Things."-Charlie Brooker

"These days it's commonplace to do everything online, from designing the layout of your kitchen to locating a stranger prepared to kill and eat you for mutual sexual gratification. Tasks that would have taken years to organise and achieve can now be accomplished in the blink of an icon. Or would be, if you could remember your password. But you can't remember your password. You can't remember it ­because you chose it so very long, long ago – maybe three days afore. In the intervening period you've had to dream up another six passwords for another six websites, programs or email addresses."

"free warm croissants on buses"-what a grand idea!